Let's Taze Everything!

TheatreOfTheAbsurd
StoopiderVille

Now that Julian Fantino, the Commissioner of the Ontario Provincial Police, has told everyone that will listen that there are one hundred and fifty studies that prove Tasers are safe, maybe the time has come to move high voltage shock machines from the relatively small, contained circle of law enforcement out into the wider world.

After all, that way everyone would be able to use them in all sorts of weird and wonderous everyday ways.

Like, say, the following.....

Having trouble getting your teenager out of the bathroom in the morning?
.....Taze her!

Boss won't give you a raise?
.....Taze him!

Baristas jabberin' away behind the machine while they're supposed to be makin' your latte and gettin' your oat bar?
....Taze 'em both!

Old lady at the express check out has 10 items instead of 9?
....Taze her twice! (her pacemaker will love it!)



Heckfire! If we did that Taser International could even start adding them to other gadgets as an accessory so that.....

If your husband is hogging the remote control for the TeeVee you can just pick up the controller for the DVD player and....
....Taze him!

If a street performing mime is driving you crazy while you wait for the bus you can take out your cell phone, pretend to snap a photo, but instead.....
....Taze her!

And you could even join in on the next craze to sweep the on-line nation....Web-based Tazering*!
.... It's only a click away!


The possibilities are endless, I tell you.

And if, say, a few thousand people were to drop dead in the process?

Well, we're pretty sure that the shillin' machine will by then have kicked into overdrive to pump out 19,873 studies that 'prove' repeated high voltage shockification had absolutely nothing to do with them.

The deaths, we mean.

OK?

_____
*When pressed by reporters to actually, you know, cite specific studies that demonstrated the safety of the Taser, Mr. Fantino told them he wasn't going to do their homework for them and that they should (paraphrasing) 'go on the Web and find them'.


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